30 September 2023
I hope you're all happy and healthy! I have very limited appointments remaining before my break. My last day (Thursday 5th October) is fully booked, but the following days and times are still free:
Monday 2nd October: 2pm - 4:30pm
Tuesday 3rd October: 4:30pm - 5pm
It would be lovely to catch up with you before I head off! I'm so excited to share some new photos with you today. I took these ones last week when I received a package from one of my favourite online stores: Lounge Underwear. For those who are unfamiliar with this brand, they specialise in comfy bras with no padding or push-up effect, just more of an everyday girl-next-door kind of style. They recently released a new collection which is just my cup of tea. It's called the 'Secret Garden Collection' and it's full of pretty springtime-inspired sheer fabrics with floral embroidery. I feel like they were made for me! If you ask me what's my favourite style of lingerie to wear at home when I want to feel sexy and feminine, this is it! It might not be exactly the kind of look that really gets a man's motor revving, but this is definitely what I call "dressing for the female gaze."
I purchased quite a few new sets from Lounge this time, so I will have a lot more photos for you coming soon. I actually bought a mint green set which is quite an unusual colour choice for me, but it's become one of my all-time favourites! I can't wait to show you that one. I think I probably won't be including these ones in my "work wardrobe" for a while though, as I am enjoying having them at home too much.
Are you ready for today's Sex Tip? I must say, I really love how writing these tips has opened up some discussions with you guys. I think it's been so healthy to chat about the things that are working really well during our bookings, as well as the things that we could work on together. However I am a little saddened that my feedback (particularly from my tips on cunnilingus) has left a couple of you feeling a bit unsure about your technique. I'm really sorry if I've made you feel that way. I just want to reassure you again that if you're a regular client of mine, that means I really enjoy my time with you (and that includes the intimate things we do together). If you do get a little carried away and my comfort becomes compromised, then I will always communicate that to you and let you know what I need from you going forward. Often, a simple "gentle babe" or "slow down" is all it takes to right the wrong. It's not a big deal at all. It's all part of establishing our boundaries and desires, which is an essential part of a fulfilling sex life. It only becomes a problem when clients ignore and invalidate my voice and proceed to hurt me or cause discomfort (often because they assume that they know what's best for my body). This is when I unfortunately have to terminate the client-provider relationship. If this isn't the kind of exchange I've had with you, then please know that there's nothing at all wrong with what you're doing, and I genuinely enjoy the sessions we've shared.
Okay let's talk about fingering! This is by far, the hardest sexual skill to get right. If you thought cunnilingus was complex, fingering takes even more finesse! And the reason for this is that there's such a massive variety in what women want when it comes to fingering. It's generally assumed that all women love being fingered (porn strikes again), when in actual fact, that's just not true. For many women, digital penetration (internal fingering) might not do anything for her pleasure at all, and for others, rubbing the clitoris (external fingering) might be far too intense a sensation. A third type of fingering that involves stimulating the areas just adjacent to the clitoris, might actually be preferable for many women.
Not only do different women enjoy different types of fingering, but the same woman will have different preferences on different days. For example, there are days when I don't really want to engage in fingering at all. Full disclosure: This has a lot to do with our menstrual cycle. Quick biology lesson here... The cervix sits lower during the luteal and follicular phases of our cycle. Deeper fingering during these phases can bump or nudge the cervix which can be very painful (but to complicate things further, some women actually find this sensation pleasurable). Leading up to the ovulation phase, the vagina produces much more lubrication, and this can obviously enhance our pleasure during fingering. However a week or so after ovulation, the lubrication can become thicker, stickier and less slippery, which creates less desirable conditions for fingering. Recent studies show that the clitoris actually swells and increases in size around the ovulation phase which may lead to increased sensation. You may need to be gentler with us on these days. However to completely contradict that, a woman's pain threshold is higher when her estrogen levels are higher, so she may enjoy more vigorous fingering on those days. Generally speaking, when estrogen is high, women experience a higher sex drive, more arousal, and more satisfying orgasms, versus when progesterone is high and our sex drive tends to be lower. These fluctuations might contribute to when she has a taste for some fingering and when she doesn't. This might be an overshare, but I believe in being truthful when it comes to sex education, so here goes nothing... In the context of sex work, fingering might not be on the table some days simply because she is menstruating. I think the pussy cat's out of the bag by now and we can all be adults about it. Sex workers often use beppy sponges when we are menstruating in order to continue to work. You didn’t really think we took one week off out of every four, did you? That would put us at a huge financial disadvantage purely because we own a uterus, (and that would be pretty unfair!) Wondering whether the client can feel the sponge with their finger(s), and worrying that they're going to be turned off by it, can be really stressful and distracting. It's sometimes easier to just say that we don't feel like being fingered today. That's one of the reasons I've chosen to not even include fingering on my service list. I don't want to promise something that I can't always deliver. The other reason is because I want to reserve the right to change my mind about fingering after testing the waters so to speak. This sometimes happens if I'm feeling things out with a new client and their fingering technique is hurting me. If I've tried to give them some guidance about what feels nice, and things still aren't improving, then I will withdraw my consent to offer fingering in my service altogether, and we will move on to something that doesn't cause me discomfort. I have to take care of my body after all!
What I am trying to get to, is that women are incredibly unpredictable. Sometimes we want to be fingered, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're too sensitive, sometimes there's too much friction, sometimes we want it internally, sometimes we want it externally, sometimes we want both at the same time. You know where I'm going with this, right? We have to communicate! I'm giving you the formal go-ahead to literally ask her:
"Do you want to be fingered today?"
"On the inside, or outside, or both?"
"Does this angle feel okay?"
"Does it feel good when I touch you like this?"
"Do you want it faster or slower?"
I know it feels like a lot of questions, but they're worth asking, because once you get it right it can feel oh-so-amazing for her! By asking them, it also lets her know that you are open to receiving feedback so that she can direct you if she needs to. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be with a man who is truly interested in increasing my pleasure and comfort, rather than one who is just trying to get through a checklist of things that turn him on. If fingering is something you want to do for her (rather than for your own visual and tactile pleasure) then asking questions shows that you want to gain a deeper understanding of her body. It shows that you appreciate her individual and unique desires and that you want to learn exactly how to get her off, rather than just applying a cookie-cutter technique to every woman you sleep with. Frankly, that's what will set you apart as a wonderful lover!
Okay I've harped on about communication enough. I think you get the point. But it really is difficult to give you a "Guide to Fingering" when it primarily comes down to just communicating with your partner. I guess if I could give you 3 generic tips, these would be them...
1. Lube Us Up Every Single Time
It's the Golden Rule. "Why have I named it the Golden Rule," you ask? Because my preferred brand of lube is 'Wet Stuff Gold.' I've tried and tested a bunch of different brands but this one is the gold standard. It's long-lasting, safe on sensitive skin, and never sticky. And when I say, "use lube every single time," I mean it. Even if you think she's wet enough, still use it. It takes a couple of seconds to grab some, but it just feels so much nicer and reduces any discomfort. It can also help at times when her own lubrication is thicker and less slick than usual (as mentioned above). I know a lot of men don't like when lube is used on them for hand jobs, because they tend to need a bit more friction before the pleasure begins to build, but as women with clits, we don't need that much friction. In this case, wetter is better. And can we please stop being offended by women "needing" lube? It's absolutely no reflection on the man and it doesn't mean she's not turned on by him. We might be very wet internally amongst all the folds of the vagina, but this wetness doesn't necessarily drip out of us (although again, porn might give you the expectation that it should). It goes back to the central theme of this entire series of sex tips: Comfort is the key to female pleasure. Lube enhances our comfort so pretty please, just let us have it.
2. Check Your Speedometer
Remember that a penis and a finger are not the same. Even though a finger is often thinner and shorter, it actually has infinitely more potential to do harm. It has knuckles, it bends, it has nails and hang-nails, it has bones! It can snag, scratch, jab and prod. Use it slowly and skilfully, and for the love of God, be careful! Fingering is almost always initiated too fast and too furious. Start with the speed you think is right, and then slow it down by half! The trick is to build on the tempo gradually, and ramp it up as her cues tell you she’s getting closer to an orgasm. When her breathing gets quicker and heavier, when she begins to moan and tense her leg muscles, that's when you can go for broke! But not before.
3. Know When To Stop
Just like with cunnilingus, an expert lover knows when to stop fingering her. We've probably all seen the porn scenes where a woman has already orgasmed, and the man continues to forcibly finger her. She's trying to clamp her legs shut and push him away but he aggressively keeps going and he even seems to be getting a thrill out of watching her squirm. I know some women are multi-orgasmic, but a lot of us aren't, and unless you've agreed upon this scenario beforehand, this is textbook boundary pushing. It's not cute, it's not fun, and it's not "too much pleasure." It can be an extremely violating experience for a woman. Please listen to her physical cues, and if in doubt, you can always ask her if she wants you to keep going or not.
That's all for now guys! I'll try to stop by for at least one more announcement before I head off on my break (with one more sex tip of course). Until then, here's a couple of pre-gym selfies. You can really see how my hair is fading now. I'm not liking the brassy tone at all and I'm getting a bit impatient with it now. But thankfully my next appointment at the hair salon is this Wednesday. Fingers crossed we make some noticeable progress this time.
Take care my dears!
Lots of love,