They say that 90% of communication is nonverbal, and during an encounter with an escort, it's usually the bodies that do most of the talking. However, the power of words should never be underestimated. Ladies in the sex industry will usually develop quite thick skin and a kind of Teflon-like barrier that repels insults and criticism like water off a duck's back. But every so often a comment will unexpectedly break through our tough armour. After all, we are in quite a vulnerable and exposed position: literally naked, bearing all. A thoughtless remark can quickly change the entire dynamic of your time with an escort and leave her feeling either insecure in herself, or resentful towards you. It's amazing the speed at which a few poorly chosen words can suck the intimacy right out of the room. On the flip side, some well-chosen words can turn a meeting with a stranger into a highly sexually charged atmosphere where I can't wait for you to rip my clothes off. We don't expect you to be a suave smooth-talking Casanova, or to recite poetry like Romeo, or even to lay on the flattery as thick as butter. We just want to feel respected and maybe even complimented in a genuine way, (isn't that what we all want?) We want you to be yourself, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to use a filter.
In case you're in need of a guide, I've compiled a list of the best, the worst, and the just plain annoying things to ever come out of a client's mouth.
THE BEST
• I'd like to make an advanced booking on [insert date here].
• I really enjoyed reading your profile.
• Thank you for making time to see me.
• Your photos don't do you justice.
• You look great in that dress.
• Tell me about yourself.
• How's your day been?
• Wow, you have an amazing body.
• You're a really good kisser.
• You taste so good.
• You're just my type.
• I love that you're a natural woman.
• Would you like a massage?
• I really enjoyed our time together. I can't wait to see you again.
• That exceeded my expectations.
• I'd love to leave you a review/testimonial.
THE WORST
• Can I have a face pic?
• What's your real name?
• What's your real job?
• How old are you really?
• Can you add me on facebook?
• Can I have your personal number?
• Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want one?
• Do your parents know you do this? Why not?
• When did you lose your virginity?
(These questions are incredibly intrusive and show a lack of respect for my privacy and boundaries. Sorry but you're just not entitled to these kinds of answers).
• Have you put on weight?
(This one's a no-brainer and it translates to all women, not just escorts. If you absolutely must mention her weight, proceed with extreme caution. Better yet, just avoid the topic altogether. Unless you get a thrill from dancing on a minefield).
• I know your profile says you only practice safe sex, but I'm healthy and clean. You can trust me.
(Trust a man I've never met before with something as important as my health? Maybe I should just go and play with fire while I'm at it?)
• You should be paying me.
(Orgasms are a perk of the job. If you're skilful enough to give me one, please be humble about it. Don't ruin it by insinuating that I now owe you something).
• I will pay you $X per hour. That's what I think you are worth.
(The prices listed are not suggestions. And furthermore, please don't tell me how much you think I'm worth. That is not up to you to decide and it's incredibly offensive).
• How many clients have you seen today?
(Never ask this. Ever. It's none of your business. And it's just plain rude).
• Your vagina is not the same as [insert porn star's name here].
(Well they're not clones. Each one is unique).
• Give me a good service.
(This is extremely condescending. I understand that you may have had a bad experience with an escort in the past, but please don't put that baggage on me. I always give it my best. Implying that I would ever give you anything less, will only start us off on the wrong foot. It's called "punting" for a reason. At some point you just have to take the risk and put your trust in the girl you have chosen).
• Do you party?
(i.e. Will you do drugs with me? I can't think of anything I'd rather do less).
• Can I quietly sneak you into my house? Or maybe I can fuck you in my driveway against my car while my wife is inside?
(No. Just no).
• I love you.
(I know it's easy to get lost in the passion and intimacy, but these words are very meaningful. They should be reserved for someone special in your personal life).
• You're one hot piece of ass.
(In what world is this considered a compliment? I am not a piece of anything. I'm not an inanimate object. I am a real human being with thoughts and feelings and an actual brain and everything! This is no way to speak to a woman... escort or not).
• My wife/ girlfriend is unattractive/ overweight/ boring in bed.
(Do not insult your significant other in my presence. I am a woman and I am hardwired to take the woman's side. By all means, we can discuss your relationship issues and the way it makes you feel. I will always lend a sympathetic ear if you need someone to listen. But please don't cross the line and speak about your lady in a disrespectful way, or worse yet, compare me to them. It only paints you in a negative light).
• Please never refer to us as hookers, prozzies, or whores. These are derogatory terms used to degrade and shame us as individuals, and also to collectively devalue an entire industry. Instead try; working girls, escorts or sex workers.
THE ANNOYING
• Are your photos real?
• Do you offer a quickie "blow and go" service?
• I know you're all booked up, but could you reschedule your other appointments to squeeze me in?
• I know Sundays are your day off, but can you make an exception for me?
• Can you please make sure you get a fake tan, fake nails and put hair extensions in before you see me?
• I'm a young, fit, tanned, attractive Aussie guy. Do I get a discount?
• Can I pay you after the booking?
• I don't need to have a shower before we start.
• You've got the easiest job in the world.
• Can I see you outside of work? Like for free?
• Rates and pics?
(Please don't make me repeat myself hundreds of times a day. Just have a read of my profile guys. The information is all there. Asking for a "pic" is my absolute pet peeve! My profile already has ample photos on it. I really don't have the time, nor the patience, to send a special pic to each potential client).
• What's your address?
(Please don't lead with this before you've even shown interest in making a booking. I'm a private girl in a private residence, not a brothel. You don't get my address until the details of a booking have been confirmed).
• Will you accept [insert currency other than cash]?
(Examples include bitcoin, wine, drugs, a free photoshoot, a Myer gift voucher, a car service, a crayfish, a can of fuel, and so on. The answer is no. No money, no honey).
The process of booking and meeting an escort can be nerve-wracking and intimidating. It's understandable that you might catch a case of "mind vomit" when you're under pressure. But if you do happen to say the wrong thing, just apologise sincerely and I'm sure your companion will be gracious enough to chalk it up to pre-sex jitters. Or maybe she'll just take it out on you with some hot angry sex. Either way, it's a win-win, isn't it?
Jasmine Lane xx
