How Do You Know if You're Good in Bed?
Updated: Jul 11
In the spirit of my upcoming exams, it got me thinking… We know whether we possess academic aptitude because we get a report card; We know whether we’re good at sports because we get a trophy; But how do we know whether or not we’re good in bed? What kinds of clues give us an indication of our sexual prowess, or lack thereof?
I suspect that from a man’s perspective, a woman doesn’t have to do much to be considered good in bed, except to maybe have a pulse, (kidding!) Women are complex creatures and we all like different things sexually. One woman’s Sheldon Cooper is another woman’s Casanova. However, I believe that the key to knowing whether your lady is having a good time, lies solely in your powers of observation. If you’ve ever wondered how your sexual skills stack up, all you have to do is pay close attention to your lover’s responses.
Look for the involuntary signs of arousal. Tight hardened nipples. Hooded eyes and dilated pupils. Flushed cheeks. Parted lips. Rapid, deep breathing. Goosebumps on her skin as you lightly caress her body. Her racing heart beating against your chest.
Also look for general signs of enjoyment. Is she smiling? Does she reach out to you as though she hungers for more? Does she meet you in the middle instead of pulling away? When you go to kiss her neck does she lean into it? Are her movements fluid or does she appear hesitant? Are her words and sounds encouraging? Does she seem present and engaged in the moment or a little vacant and like her mind is somewhere else? Does she initiate sexual acts or is it all one-sided? Is she extra nice to you afterwards?
Unfortunately, we live in a world of “mattress actresses.” One study reported that at least 80% of women have faked an orgasm. I would go as far as saying that this might actually be a conservative figure. For most women, reaching the Big O is not the end-goal of sex, or even the signal-post for “successful sex.” So, whether or not she has climaxed, actually has little bearing on whether she considers you to be a good lover. After all, as few as 25% of women actually reach orgasm through sexual intercourse. However, these perpetuating “fakers” are not doing you guys any favours. How will a man ever work on his craft if he has no idea that there is room for improvement? I know my fellow females are going to hate me for what I’m about to say, but fuck it… Here’s how to spot a fake orgasm:
If her vocals go from zero to one hundred when you’ve only been touching her clit for about 2.5 seconds, then it’s likely that she’s exaggerating. Panting, light moaning and deep breathing are customary during the build-up, but screaming like she’s on a roller coaster should only really occur at the moment of climax. If her toes curl and her legs muscles contract, this is a sign that she is actually cumming. If not, then it probably wasn’t the real deal. It’s almost impossible for a woman not to tense up during an authentic orgasm. If you’re going down on her and you have a finger inside, you should be able to feel her tighten around you quite violently at the point of orgasm. Similarly, if it’s during penetrative sex, you should feel her grip your cock with her vaginal walls, and as her orgasm gradually subsides you will feel a rhythmic pulse as she joins you back down on Earth. These are pelvic muscle contractions and they happen involuntarily during orgasm, however they can also be easily faked by a girl who regularly practices her Kegel exercises.
If she seems to have achieved an orgasm but she gets up off the bed straight away and doesn’t take some time to compose herself, then it’s unlikely she’s really been to the peak of pleasure just seconds before. An orgasm takes a lot of energy out of us, so it requires at least a few minutes of recovery time. Some signs of a genuine refractory period are things like catching her breath, appearing a little dazed and out-of-it, experiencing light-headedness if she stands up straight away, and she’ll probably collapse into the bed in a heap immediately after you’ve cum. She’ll probably be a woman of few words but her facial expression will give it away. It’s likely that she’ll either have a smile or a look of satisfaction on her face, like the cat that got the cream. Orgasms also release a large healthy dose of oxytocin in a woman’s brain. This is also known as the “Love Hormone.” So, if she becomes super affectionate, appreciative and cuddly towards you after sex, it’s a big hint that her orgasm was sincere.
Lastly, her pussy may feel more lubricated if she has truly reached orgasm. However, I want to stress here that a woman’s degree of wetness is not necessarily an indication of sexual arousal. A quick biology lesson: the vagina is made up of many folds and creases, so although she may be wet like an ocean internally, this wetness may not actually drip out of her. Female ejaculation (i.e. squirting) only occurs regularly for about 6% of women. Please don’t take a woman’s wetness as a reflection of whether or not her orgasm was the real McCoy. A multitude of factors can affect her level of wetness, for example age, dehydration, illness, alcohol consumption, and just those pesky genetics. Also, (and this is probably a bit of an overshare – sorry!), the texture and consistency of her vaginal fluids are directly related to the stage in her menstrual cycle and her level of oestrogen. We all vary in wetness depending on the day of the month.
I hope this blog has been enlightening for some of you guys out there who are just a little unsure about your sexual repertoire. Try not to get too hung up on whether or not you’re doing it “right.” It’s all about relaxing into it and having fun. And remember that communication is key. If you’re not sure if she likes it like that, then just ask!
Jasmine (who promises to never fake her orgasms with you).