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  • Writer's pictureJasmine Lane

Times When I Suck

Updated: Jul 11, 2020

You could be thinking one of two things when you read that title, depending on whether you have a dirty mind or a clean one...

If you’re a naughty boy, you might be gearing up for an X-rated story about how much I love sucking cock. Sorry, fellas... it’s not that kind of blog. (Well not this time anyway). But being the gallant and noble chap that you are, I’m sure you know that I’m actually only talking about “sucking” in the figurative sense... I’m talking about the times when I don’t make a very good escort.

But now you’re probably wondering, why on earth would I write about that? Has Jasmine finally lost the plot? (Jury’s still out on that one).

You’re used to reading advertisements about an escort’s perfect pornstar body, her sultry eyes and sparkling smile, her captivating sex appeal, her effortless grace and charm… I may or may not have all of those qualities (I’ll let you be the judge). Yet I too, have had to talk myself up with all of that flowery language when writing my own profile. It took some getting used to, to unashamedly praise and complement myself; to put myself so high up on a pedestal. For me, humility has always come a little more easily than confidence. But to my surprise, I found that it was actually an exercise I enjoyed. I think we should acknowledge our virtues more often. We should verbalise all of the things that make us beautiful, and we should articulate those healthy positive affirmations. If not as a marketing ploy, then as an act of self-love. If not to the public, then at least to ourselves.

When you first browsed my profile, you probably read all about my self-proclaimed bountiful assets, my delightful demeanour, and my superb service. Some of you have already met me in person and have experienced all this first-hand. But what about the other side of the coin? This blog is all about my limitations as a service provider. I don’t say this to criticise myself. I say this because I want you all to know that I’m real and authentic, but that I’m also imperfect. I am not a two-dimensional creation. I am multifaceted. A wise green ogre once said, “there’s a lot more to escorts than people think. Escorts are like onions. Escorts have layers.” At least I think that’s what he said.

Like many women, there was a time in my teens when my identity was not clear and my self-esteem was quite low. I was my own worst enemy. I used to tear myself down as I stood in front of the mirror. Now? Now I have grown into my own best friend. I love my own company. I find myself interesting, smart and sexy. These things would have been quite impossible for me to even utter just a few years ago. But now I barely flinch as I sing my own praises from the rooftops. Now how’s that for personal growth!? It’s only because I am strong and secure in myself that I am now able to openly acknowledge my faults and to even find humour in a little bit of self-deprecation. I may be shooting myself in the foot here; this may be an absolute marketing faux pas... but in my blogs, I am nothing if not honest. I will always write my truth, consequences be damned! (Although I really do hope this doesn’t deter you from wanting to see me).

So here goes....

~ 10 Reasons Why I (Sometimes) Suck as an Escort ~

1) My Disdain for Stockings

I hate them! I loathe them! I curse the person who invented them! (It was a man by the way). They are impractical and fiddly, they tear as soon as I touch them, they irritate my thighs, and I’d have to be a contortionist to be able to secure the back of them into the straps of a suspender belt. They are an actual nightmare! But as an obedient and dutiful escort, I have worn them before on request. But I secretly hated it. It sounds petty I know, but now if I get a request for stockings, I will usually try to wriggle my way out of it. Maybe that makes me unaccommodating or inflexible. Call me what you want… Just so long as you don’t make me wear the bloody things! They are the bane of my existence.

2) What’s a Poker Face?

I literally do not know how to hide my emotions. Sexually, this can be a great thing for an escort. My passion cannot be contained; it pours out of me like lava. My lust and hunger for you will be as plain as day, and this is sure to turn you on. But on the flip side, I also can’t hide my passion in topics of debate. As an escort, this is to my detriment. Clients who express disparaging comments about women, who are bigoted, racist or just plain callous, will probably cop an earful from me. I’m a sweet girl, but I have a fire in me. I will always stand up for what I believe. I will bite my lip (because it can be sexy to do so), but I will never bite my tongue.

3) The Many Moods of Jasmine

Believe it or not, I’m not always a ray of sunshine. In fact, Cyclone Jasmine is a force to be reckoned with! Have you ever wondered why I don’t work at night? Well that’s when Grumpy-Jasmine comes out to play. If you stand in the way of me and my Z’s, I am guaranteed to get moody and sulky (kind of like a girlfriend or wife in the real world). It’s definitely not when I’m at my best. I’m also very much a home-body. That’s why I don’t offer overnights or weekenders. I like my space and I need my alone time. I feel suffocated if I go too long without it. Just trust me when I say, that I am a treat that is best enjoyed in moderation. Small bite-sized pieces of Jasmine are the sweetest!

4) Party Pooper

As an escort, it’s considered impolite to turn down a beverage that has been kindly purchased by a gentleman. Sometimes I will accept it, and I will gingerly sip at it throughout the booking. But the truth is that I just don’t really want it. I don’t like to drink alcohol while I’m working. Now I’m definitely not a body-is-my-temple kind of girl. I love a Big Mac as much as the next person, and I’ve certainly put worse things in my body than a glass of wine. But my logic is that if I’m gonna stack on a kilo or two, it had better be for something yummy… like ice-cream or chocolate. I’d rather not waste my calorie intake on yucky bitter-old-alcohol. I also refuse to partake in other “party favours.” That might label me as “less of a good time” in some people’s books, but I’m a lady who likes to have a firm hold on all of her faculties. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a wet blanket. Too bad.

5) You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

I’m not the kind of escort you take to a business dinner or a Christmas party. It’s just not my natural habitat; I’m a fish out of water in those settings. While I’m happy to offer social escorting, it has to be one-on-one. Let me tell you what will happen if you take me to a fancy restaurant with your colleagues... I don’t know a Cab Sav from a Sav Blanc. I have nothing to say about the merits of the Labour Party vs. the Liberal Party (and I don’t really care enough to want to rectify my political ignorance). I don’t know the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork. I wear dresses that are far too low-cut for the general public’s eyes. While I have a touch of class, I’m am not a perfect shiny accessory. I’m no trophy. I’m down to earth. Yes, I’m a lady, but I’m not a posh one. High society is not my scene. Listening to the menfolk discuss stocks and bonds will put me to sleep (and I will not even attempt to stifle my yawns in front of your business associates). I’m shy, awkward and impossibly introverted in group settings. I’m crap at small talk. Where I shine is when I’m naked behind closed doors. That’s where I want to be, with you, just the two of us. That’s where I feel at ease. You also can’t take me to the cinema or the theatre (at least not if you expect to interact with me during that time). I can’t help but become incredibly immersed in the show, and if you talk through it, I'm likely to snap at you. Unless you’re happy to sit in comfortable silence, please don’t suggest we spend our time this way. My love for escapism means I will ignore you and be a horrible date. You pay handsomely for this time with me; let’s use it for more intimate pursuits.

6) My Lips Are Sealed

In the bedroom, I’m good at doing what I’m told. But I’m not good at saying what you tell me to say. Don’t tell me, to tell you, to fuck me. It feels silly. If I say something in the moment, it’s because I mean it. But don’t put words in my mouth (put something else in my mouth instead *wink wink*). I won’t be mindless for you. My lips move in response to my own brain, not in response to yours. If you want me to be a bit more vocal during sex, I’m all up for that. Ask me if I like that, or ask me how it feels. Don’t tell me what my answers should be. My lips will be zipped! I also suck at role play. It feels contrived and corny to me. I’m an atrocious actress, so that’s just not a service I offer. If you attempt to engage me in roleplay on the spur of the moment, I will quickly detour you away. There’s one other time when you might be met with silence. I’m talking about the two platitudes that I just can’t respond to. Those are: “I love you” and “I miss you.” These two little phrases are reserved for my personal life; they mean a lot to me. I can tell you that I had a wonderful time or that I’m looking forward to seeing you again, and I will genuinely mean it. But I can’t bring myself to utter those two unspeakables. If you tell me you love me or miss me, just be prepared that I won’t say it back. Not even in an attempt to be a “good escort”.

7) Fashion Police

An escort should be happy to accommodate a gentleman’s outfit/lingerie requests. But there are times when I just can’t fall in line. I’m a girlie girl. Part of my identity is how I present myself and what I wear, and over the years I’ve developed my own personal style. I know you guys want what you want, and you do pay good money to get what you want, but with some things, it’s just in everyone’s best interest for me to have control. Sometimes a lady knows best. I often get asked to wear a mini skirt, or fishnets, or a corset… or sometimes all three together! To me this is slutty, not classy. It looks cheap. It screams “street hooker,” and that’s not something I can identify with. I respect that maybe that’s the look you’re after. But I refuse to veer that far from who I truly am. It doesn’t suit me. I’d feel uncomfortable, and when I’m not comfortable, I don’t feel sexy. This might annoy some men. They may deem me inflexible or difficult. They may think that “the lady dost protest too much”. Others will appreciate that I know how to dress my body best, to flatter it the most. You see, women are fussy creatures, because sadly we have been preconditioned to buy-in to the media’s notion of what is “fashionable” and what is not. But no matter how shallow and vapid these social constructs are, they still have the immense power to either infuse a woman with confidence, or strip it from us. In an academic arena, I couldn’t care less how I look, because I know that my value is in my intelligence, not in my beauty. But in a sexual arena, the way I look is a direct reflection of the way I feel. Ultimately, I’m going to end up naked anyway. So why not allow me to feel like the best version of myself when I am presented to you? I’m stubborn, I know. But the way I choose to present myself has never disappointed a man yet (at least, not that I know of). The stubbornness in me also rears its ugly head when I receive requests for things like fake tan, fake nails or fake eyelashes. To me these are unreasonable demands. If you have to change me that much before I live up to your ideal of beauty, then maybe I’m not the right escort for you.

8) Her Royal Highness, Princess Jasmine

One of my shortcomings as an escort, is that I can be quite selfish in the bedroom. If I had my way, I’d be the “receiver” about 80% of the time, and the “giver” for only about 20%. Perhaps it stems from many years of being unsatisfied in my personal sex life. Now I’m making up for lost time and making it all about me! This works for some gentlemen, especially those who get off on giving a woman pleasure. But I’m sure others would wish that their blow job lasted just as long as the oral they performed on me (because I have been known to keep a man down there for a while). But what can I say? I love to be pampered.

9) One-Hit Wonder

I’m an escort; this is my work. But sometimes my clients would swear that they’re the ones being put to work! I can take a longgggg time to cum. Only the brave and persistent warrior dares to take on this challenge. It can take a helluva lot of patience. But I have been told it’s worth the wait to witness it. The intensity of my orgasms definitely matches the effort required to unlock them. Unfortunately, I’m generally not a multiple-orgasm kind of girl. They don’t fall like dominos one after the other for me. This disappoints some men. They try to command me to cum over and over again. But I can’t serve them up on-tap. And my fellow-escorts might disown me for this, but I don’t actually want to. Once or twice is more than enough for me. As the great Bard once said, “even the sweetest honey can be loathsome in its own deliciousness.” Everything in moderation.

10) My Way or the Highway

There are two things I have zero flexibility in: my legs and my time. I can compensate for my far-from-gymnastic-legs, by trying all manner of inventive sex positions. But I can’t do much to improve my flexibility with my time. In this respect, I am a truly terrible escort. I can never offer you the spontaneity you crave and I can’t magically appear whenever you get a hankering for a little bit of quality time. I have fixed hours that I work each week. These are set in stone deeper than Excalibur. My studies are my priority, so you’ll be met with a “hard pass” if you ask me to squeeze in an out-of-hours booking for your convenience. I know I should place more emphasis on catering to the customer, because after all, this is a service industry. But I like to take full advantage of being the boss! I don’t take last minute bookings or even same-day bookings anymore. Booking in advance is now the only option. I make this job work for me! I make it work around my life; my life does not revolve around it. I won’t just sit around at my incall apartment and make myself available to clients should they decide on a whim that they’d like to see me. No way! I’m too busy banging down the door of my goals, to be wasting time so flippantly. I live my life in a very planned and organised way, and if you want to see me, then you too have to plan ahead. A lot of guys hate this. They want sex when they want it, spur of the moment, when the hunger strikes. I just don’t operate like that. Also, as many of you know, I live over an hour away from my incall residence. What do you think the chances are that I’m going to get out of bed at midnight and drive all that way to see you just because you’ve begged me to at the drop of a hat? Sorry but no amount of money is worth that inconvenience. Not when I have to be up at 6am to get to class on time the next day. And not when I'd have to explain to my family where I've ran off to in the middle of the night. If I made an exception for every man who pleaded with me, then I would have no life outside of escorting at all. I realise how entitled this sounds, but I see clients when it suits me, not the other way around, (the pussy has the power after all). Come hell or high-water, I will never work on Sundays. Not even if you offered to buy me a small island for my troubles. Sunday is family day. No exceptions. Same goes for if I’m already fully booked. You might be a regular, and we might have a great rapport, but you won’t get special treatment with this. If I say I’m fully booked, that means I’ve reached my quota of bookings. I’m maxxxed out. I’ve reached the absolute upper limit of sex that I’m prepared to have for that day. So no, I won’t just come past on my way home to service you. If you wanted me that bad, you should have reserved a timeslot in advance. Regardless of the industry, I just don’t appreciate having "over-time” sprung on me. When I’m finished for the day, that’s it. Sorry, but the lights are off and nobody is home. Jasmine Lane has left the building.

~ ~ ~

If I haven’t completely put you off with all that, then I hope to see you soon. My bedroom is always a safe place where we can share in all of our wonderful quirks and the things that make us uniquely special. I want you to always feel that you can be your raw, uncensored and authentic self with me.

There is beauty in imperfection, so let’s explore ours together!


Jasmine x


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